By ~ Trevor Kunopaski
It’s getting dark and you're about 3 minutes away from eating some deer shit because you’re starving.
You've only been lost in the woods for 12 hours, but already your inner survival skills have justified eating animal feces to quench the ever intensifying hunger pangs that are cramping your stomach.
Reaching down you gently scoop a pile of buck turds up off the forest floor and rest them in your palm. With the other hand you push the shit around with your trigger finger contemplating the nutritional value.
Inspecting the little brown pellets with disdain you ask yourself. "What am I looking for? Is it cooked well enough…? It’s Shit for fuck sakes?"
With that you throw back your head and open your mouth. You're already producing that thicker then usual saliva which is reserved only for pre-puke situations.
"Fuck it". You think to yourself, "I'm dying here.
Popping the works of it into your face hole you start chewing.
Wincing at the immediate realization that you’re eating shit…you power through the first course and swallow a throat clogging glob of excrement.
Standing in the middle of the forest, alone, frustrated, and disgusted with yourself, you look up through the canopy of leaves and scream at the top of your lungs, spraying a mist of brown stinking spittle into the air ...."NOT HERE, NOT TODAY!!! I'M NOT GOING TO STARVE!!!"
In the distance birds fly from their roosts startled by the booming reverberation of your angry cry that tears through the tranquility of the wood lot.
"FUCK!!!!!!" You scream again...
Answering your own mocking echo that bounces back off the surrounding rock bluffs in a muffled taunting voice.
Exhausted and scared, you double over and start gagging horribly. Resting your hands on your thighs just above your knees you concentrate and make every conceivable attempt to keep the freshly eaten poop in your belly.
You must..... …. …..
It might make the difference between life and death.... … … … … …
With hunting season in full swing across Canada, What would you do if you found yourself in this terrifying situation? Lost, with no food, and you're rapidly losing day light?
Let Militant Outdoors help you survive with 5 fool proof ways to make a go of it if lost in the great Canadian Wilderness.
#1: Masturbate Vigorously
Everybody knows that one of the fastest ways to be found out is to enjoy a little “me” time. All your life you have gone to great lengths to keep from being found masturbating by your parents, friends and later in life, your wife or girlfriend.
But no matter what you do to conceal your sinful ways, some dimwit always seems to stumble into your comfort zone causing you to abort mission. Regardless of the pain staking efforts you’ve taken to provide yourself with privacy, there was always the chance your mom would catch you humping the crack in the couch cushions, a rolled up sleeping bag or maybe a warmed up bologna sandwich.
It’s just a fact!
Masturbation attracts people.
All kinds of people will go out of their way, possibly drawn by some undetectable pheromone to try and catch you with your pants around your ankles and your semi erect penis flopping stupidly in a closed fist that is mercilessly pounding away at your pubic area.
Militant Survival Experts agree that if you are lost and need dire help, just whip er out and start playing the chicken neck trombone. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s a matter of life and death. Just let the natural flow of sureness go its course as you stroke your meat gun knowing that somewhere, someone will pick up the vibe that a person is masturbating. And if there is any justice in this world they will do anything in their power to find you in this embarrassing predicament.
Our Survival Experts also encourage you to masturbate in the strangest possible fashion. It seems the more compromising the ordeal, the faster a person will catch you.
Our Experts suggest making animal noises or high pitch squealing sounds while making love to your hand. Even lie down and try to put your legs behind your head to expose all your unmentionable parts to the wonders of nature. It will just be a matter of time until an adventuring troop of church goers finds you curled up on the leaves, naked and in full rut, rubbing your horn on the velvety smooth bark of a sumac tree. The end result….You get rescued and your picture ends up on the internet caught by some deer hunters trail camera. It’s a small price to pay to save your life.
#2: Wander Aimlessly
We’ve always been told. “Stay put if you get lost.”
That was great advice in the early 19 hundreds, before there were roads, bike paths, nature trails, and fence lines everywhere. But it's 2012, mankind has scarred every inch of Mother Natures' beauty with some sort of beaten down travel path for their ATV, mountain bike or hiking boot. Sooner or later if you put the wheels on and pick a direction, you will come out to some form of human made travel route that will lead you to safety.
But this is where the intelligent “missing person” thinks ahead and parlays their traumatic experience into a winfall of good fortune.
Our Militant Survival Experts suggest after walking to the nearest road or point of human contact, that you find a passer by and hitch hike back to your home and hole up for a few weeks. Our experts warn to keep a low profile during this time, as the idea is not to let anyone know that you’ve been found kicking back playing video games and watching porn as rescue crews scour the country side looking for your remains.
Take this time, reflect on how lucky you are to be sheltered and sleeping in your own bed as hundreds of volunteers waste thousands of man hours and resources looking for you, presumably trapped at the bottom of a rocky gorge, injured. In fact, if you sober up enough during your “holiday away from being lost” make your way to a pay phone and call in a false anonymous tip letting the authorities know that you need your medication in order to fight off a rare psychotic disorder. This will keep the search and rescue teams looking longer and encourage them to work harder! It becomes sadistically funny knowing that those wanna be heroes are barking up the entirely wrong tree!
Our Experts also agree that if at any time someone knocks on your door while you’re sitting on your couch resting, simply don’t answer it. As far as anyone is concerned you are a missing person, and though your house is the last place any rescuer would look, don’t give any evidence to anyone that you’re snug as a bug drinking beer and smoking lefties all day long. Eventually however, you should keep an eye on the news and note when the officials call off the search and pronounce you dead. It is at this time that you should dawn the same cloths of the day you went missing and make your way to the local police station, stumbling in crying “I’m Alive…I’m Alive”
Immediately afterwards hire a lawyer and sue the living shit out of the official who called the search off, leaving you for dead in the cold and terrifying wilderness.
Write a book, and sell the movie rights. Getting lost could be the most productive 2 weeks you ever had sitting on your ass getting baked and laughing as the system truly worked in your favor for the first time ever.
#3: Friendly Cannibalization
When it comes down to it, a lost outdoorsman becomes a slave to his stomach.
After constructing a crude shelter you will reluctantly relinquish your brain's decision making abilities to less complex organs, namely the stomach.
Historically, your guts have never been known to make good decisions, often consulting with other body parts like your penis or fists.
In the past they have failed to make sense of even simple situations, such as being left in charge during a drinking binge and after your nerdy brain had checked out for the evening. Together they come up with great ideas like buying street meat from a wooden legged sausage cart lady, or engaging in a good ole fashion parking lot fist a cuff bout. There after being beat up by a bouncer and swallowing an undercooked meat snack served by the limping sausage cart lady, your penis sees an opportunity to do its thing and chimes in wanting a piece of the action. (Namely the wooden legged sausage cart lady) Not known for its taste in women, your dong will spring at any opportunity to make itself useful, and having the poor eye sight of a subterranean mole, it gravitates to the easier seen “larger specimens”.
There is a reason the great creator put your brain in charge of operations. And that’s because your other major organs are idiots who selfishly only think about themselves.
So, if lost and find yourself mentally exhausted, don’t be shy and give the old noggin noodle a break. Trust in your stomach and let it steer the survival ship for a while. It cares not for the intricacies of fine French cooking or the delectable flavors of a home cooked county meal. It simply wants to be filled with food and extract the life giving nutrients of what slides down your throat hole to rest in its acidy grips.
But it should be noted, Stomachs are lazy. Once in charge the first thing they do is invite your eyes to have a look around and see what’s readily available to eat. Unfortunately, it might be a travel companion. Maybe a dog, which is easily enough dispatched of and consumed, but it might be your best friend, who is injured and starting to piss you off as he sits there on a log complaining about his swollen ankle.
Our Militant Survival Experts want you to know this…. It's important.
“Eat him before he eats you.”
Remember your friend is starving too….. and he’s wounded. His sense or reasoning is impaired and sooner or later his stomach will start envisioning your carcass slowly sizzling over the open coals of a rudimentary camp fire. Take notice the look in his eye. It’s not gratitude for carrying his cripple ass the last 10 miles.
Its carnivorous intension….
It’s the “I’m going to bash your head in with a rock the second you fall asleep and eat your fucking arm” look….
It is advised that you get that mother fucker before he gets you!!!
Eat his goddamn face off. Suck the meat off each of his fingers. Wallow in his abundant thigh meat, filling your face with succulent human flesh that does in fact taste just like pork.
Eat until you can’t eat anymore….Its nature…and it’s a dog eat dog world. Only the strong survive.
If and when you are rescued, don’t be coy about eating your traveling mates. People have no idea how hard being lost in the woods for 6 hours can be on a person. They simply have to understand the situation for what it was. And that was you…starving.
Militant Public Relations Staff also advise if reporters start to ask questions about your harrowing experience, just remember to use this statement.
“It was a Him or Me kind of thing, and obviously it was just my day to survive.”
#4: An Ounce of Prevention
That’s right, our Survival Experts said D.R.U.G.S!!!
Face it, almost all outdoorsman enjoy doing some sort of drugs while a field. It’s their opportunity to relish the tranquility of being alone without suspicious eyes casting judgmental looks of sin.
Marijuana, Hashish, Magic Mushrooms, LSD, Cocaine…. You know…light drugs.
Most outdoorsmen don’t head to deer camp armed with a fistful of needles loaded with smack or oxy. They simply enjoy a subtle puff, or the fantastical delights of a hallucinogen taken responsibly by an experienced recreational drug user.
Subsequently, it’s the use of these fun filled medications that often gets your stoned ass caught in a life or death situation. It’s so easy to loose your bearings while chasing a butterfly naked across a flowery meadow, leaving you bewildered and without a clue to where you last seen your fucking boots.
The Militant Cross Country Hiking Team, who consists of a troop of granola crunching, toque wearing power dykes suggest the following:
Bring at least 1 ounce of spare illicit drugs with you on every outing. Use them after you have gotten lost and begin to sober up. Nothing is worse then finding yourself sitting creek side as the fog of a multi-dope haze wears off and you have no idea where you are.
This is the very time, if there ever was a perfect time, to do more drugs. So be prepared!
Because you will never find your way out clean and sober. You were fucked when you got lost, and you will have to be fucked to get unlost. It’s simple physics. So have your emergency drugs ready.
Our hiking team suggests breaking up your drugs strategically. One ounce is equal to 28 grams. So ration your goodies accordingly.
5 grams of pre rolled marijuana joints…So like…5 joints….After smoking your spliffs you will get the munchies and be able to eat anything. Snails, bugs, rocks, leaves…Purely an appetite inhibitor. And in the wild you have to get creative.
5 grams of hash…maybe cooked into cookies? It’s a nice body buzz and will dampen the onslaught of biting mosquitoes as they slowly empty your body of delicious warm blood.
5 grams of shrooms…steeped in a tea or eaten straight depending on the urgency of the situation….These will help you get in touch with your spirit guide. Surely that fucking idiot must know the way out?
10 grams of cocaine…Purely used for a bi-hourly energy boost, no matter how low you’ve dipped into the depression of being lost…a little sniff and BANG! Back on track!
3 grams of LSD…probably lethal, if not certainly brain damaging. To be used only as a last resort. When the end comes, you want to go out on your own terms…and that’s like a rock star! Eyes rolling up into the back of your head, white foam drooling from your sneering lip, shaking wildly, screaming like a banshee! This death thrall will keep the coyotes from eating you alive; it’s simply a very frightening scene to witness and should keep them at bay until the final curtain is dropped.
#5: Circumstantial Acceptance
If the unfortunate should happen and you find yourself lost, even after following the last 4 steps of the Militants Guide to Survival, it is now that you must come to terms with the fact that you’re royally fucked. Understand help is not on its way, and your demise is imminent.
But alas, all is not lost yet!
Step 5 of the Militant Survival guide suggests you make the transition to becoming a full blown Savage. Get it through your mind that civilization is just a hurtful memory and you should aim not just to survive, rather, begin to thrive as the forest's newest citizen.
Look at this as an opportunity to start over. It is the chance we all some day hope for that allows us to hit the reset button and begin a new life in the folds of your otherwise previously shitty existence.
Use your advanced skills as a former human to become the animals' new king and champion of the wilderness!
To assert your authority, bed down with the alpha females of surrounding wolf packs and train legions of rodents to do your bidding.
At first the going will be tough, but once you earn the local animals' trust you can start scheming to organize hostile advancements on neighboring forests, killing anyone who offers resistance, and rewarding those who wisely choose to join your initiative.
Eventually, and if you plan tactfully, you can make your bid to take over a nearby town, ravaging the humans and destroying their lives. Within months the numbers joining your ranks will explode and thoughts of global domination will dance in your mind....
Of course the papers will dub you as a new age Hitler, but fret not. Soon you will be in control of their papers and prevent their slanderous tongues from wagging every time you send out one of your death squads (formally imprisoned Chimps that fought in an underground death match syndicate) to eliminate any particular hurdle that stands in your way of worldly greatness.
Surrender to your inner dictator and be the Alpha Male….
World Wide Reforestation is up to you…You were meant to get lost.
Accept It you crazy fuck…..It’s your only chance at making it.
There you have it Militants. This is our professional opinion on what to do if you slip up and find yourself just a wee bit lost this hunting season.
And because you have been a good sport and have read along this far, we are happy to share with you one bonus piece of advice.
Get off your wallet and buy a goddamn GPS or learn to read a compass. If Christopher Columbus could sail half way across the world using some shitty astrolabe contraption and the stars to navigate his where abouts, surely as fuck you can follow the arrow to safety and save your piece of shit self from succumbing to the good graces of nature?
Or can you?.....................................................
Militant Outdoors… … …What’s your M.OTM?